I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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