You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
