You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
