i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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