Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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