So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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