Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
