Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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