He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
