I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
