Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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