I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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