just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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