How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
