This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
