come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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