The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
