That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
