my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
