Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize