So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
