I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
