I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
