she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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