Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
