I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP