I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
