she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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