There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
North Korea, Best Korea!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
