the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.