I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
