I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
