I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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