Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
