I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
