hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
