remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
