i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
