My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
