I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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