LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
