you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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