I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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