I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
