You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
