No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
