i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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