I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
In America we eat man semen.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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