the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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