if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
