You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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