I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
