Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
