Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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