It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
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