i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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