today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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