Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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