I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
