Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
