i may or may not be watching the land before time
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
